Preseason games

I read in the Florida Times Union that the Jags-skins game was being blacked out on local TV because the Jags couldn’t sell out Alltel stadium.

Hmm, I thought, Spurrier coming back with his fun n gun, Coles and Gardner were high school stars in Jax. What gives? Laverneous is worth the price of the ticket. He’s a local hero for being able to get great discounts on athletic gear at the local Dillards. And, Spurrier, he won a national championship down the road with a high school quarterback named Weurffel.

So, when eight o’clock comes around, I settle down to watch the Bucs on channel nine but decide to check out WB65 to see if Orlando can still broadcast the game even though it’s blacked out in Jax.

Whoa, there it is, the skins are on!!! And at a time I can watch them. I’m usually dreaming about the good old days by ten. I could record the game from a delayed broadcast on the Sunshine network but the only thing I can get out of the VCR is a blinking 12:00.

So, I pop me some microwave popcorn and settle down with a Bud light to watch my beloved skins put on a show. I know that the starters will play only a few series, but it’s my first time seeing them this year, so I’m pumped.

Ramsey trots out on the field with the starting unit for the first offensive series, but I don’t recognize any of the other players. Where’s Laverneous? Where’s Rod? Where’s Tre? Oh yeah, he was cut. My bad.

So, after a couple of jail breaks, Ramsey heads to the sideline with his head down while I head to the fridge for another Bud.

Hey, okay, defensive series. Let’s see what LaVar has tonight. The camera pans over to the Redskins bench, and I notice that LaVar is in street clothes. I didn’t know he was hurt. What a minute. Isn’t that Champ Bailey beside Lavar? In street clothes?

Okay, okay. So, all of the skins stars are sitting out this game. Let’s see how Ramsey plays against the Jags first-string defense.

Oops, Weurffel is coming in. What happened to Ramsey? Did he throw a pass? Did he stay for his obligatory two series?

Yeah, you know that the skins have two “the Danny”’s: Snyder and Weurffel. Snyder owns the team and is worth a few billion. Weurffel is married and will own his own insurance company some day.

So, Danny starts throwing up those famous puff balls of his, and the Jacksonville color guy is going ballistic about the ineptitude of Danny. I’d disagree but I’ve had enough Buds to see Danny for what he really is. He’s part of a devious right wing Spurrier conspiracy to stigmatize the North American sports enterprise so that the Americans will turn to the real futball: soccer!

I’d go on, but the twins are calling. And, Bill O’Reilly is still pontificating on the Fox News channel. Don’t laugh. He’s the one who told me about that conspiracy thing. He says Hillary started it.