The presidential candidates talk to Bill O’Reilly in the Truth Zone

Bill: Hello, gentlemen. I’m glad that you both agreed to sit down and talk about some important issues of the day.

Dubyah: Hey, Bill.

John: I don’t know if this is a situation in which a discourse is appropriate or if we can appropriate funding to educate the masses about the obfuscation of the American public.

Bill: What the hell does that mean?

John: I mean that we are teetering on the brink of democratic disaster.

Dubyah: Yeah, the democratic disaster is that we’ll have a republican in the oval office for the next four years.

Bill: Hey, good one, D. Oops, I’m supposed to be impartial. John, what are you going to do about Iraq?

John: I’m going to appropriate funds to transfer the sovereignty of Iraq to the French. They have all of Iraq’s money anyway.

Bill: What about our soldiers. I guess they would be coming home post haste.

John: Of course. I spent four months in Viet Nam and got enough medals for a lifetime. Our soldiers have been over there long enough. Give them all a bulbous heart and then bring them home.

D: What’s a bulbous heart?

John: It’s an award for facing up to the heat in the summer. It gets hot over there. It’s kind of like that purple heart I got for scratching my finger.

D: You’re an idiot.

John: Hey, where were you when the bullets were flying. I'll tell you. Trying to get laid. Do they give purple hearts for that?

D: Hey, that STD took longer to heal than that cut on your finger.

Bill: This is ridiculous. Let’s get back to some substantive issues. D, do you have anything worthwhile to say about how we can turn around the loss of morality in the country?

D: Of course. We need to create a nirvana where I become king and rule with an iron hand. You see, I know the way and I must instill that direction to my minions.

Bill: Uh, doesn’t that go against some democratic principles?

D: Well, one could view it that way, but through my tinted lenses, everything is clear. I, we, you are the chosen ones.

John: I wish I could disagree with that idea, but I have to say, it would be cool to be the king.

Bill: Yeah, me too. I tell you what, let’s set up a triumvirate. We can each be king twice a week and then rest the other day.

D: No, I would be king. You guys could be my ambassadors to France. How about that?

Bill: Can’t. I’m boycotting all that is French.

John: Can’t. I need more appropriated funds.

Bill: Well, hey, we’ve run out of time. I hope this open discourse resolved some issues for the folks. Mute their mikes. I’m tired of hearing their tripe. Hey, listen, e-mail me with some pithy comments. But, no ovulating.