The Jersey Tenors
The worst script submitted for the Sopranos pilot

The boss called and awakened Raymond from a deep sleep to inform him that had a job for him to complete post haste. Raymond always got the dirty jobs, but, hey, he brought it on himself by not getting a proper education in the classroom or on the street.

It seems that a problem occurred at a get together at the local college. The alumni were having their annual fund drive dinner and dance. Some of the pseudo successful but, more importantly, wealthy alumni were being schmoozed for money to help build a new field house.

As alumni tend to do, they started to talk of their exploits back in their college days: romantic conquests, athletic achievements, and/or sexual liaisons. Anthony Carmella was one of the worst. After a few too many Manhattans, Anthony launched into a diatribe about the sexual exploits of his roommate’s girl friend, Emily. According to Anthony, Emily had a propensity for crossing the frog during sex. In Jersey culture, that was forbidden. One could jump the frog or pet it, but never, ever, cross it.

Unbeknownst to Anthony, Christopher was also at the dinner that night. You see, Christopher was Emily’s brother and Raymond’s shadow boss at the local Taco Bar. Christopher couldn’t let Anthony’s comment go. He had to exact revenge because Emily’s name had been besmirched.

Since Christopher had neither a backbone nor a brain, he came to Raymond to exact the revenge. You see, the Taco Bar was a front for a scam Christopher was running on the rubes in Frampton. He financed the purchase of distressed homes which, in turn, were resold to the federal government in the name of urban redevelopment. He could turn a two hundred percent profit on every house he sold. You see, Christopher was the money man while Raymond was the executioner of his unlawful visions, both business and personal.

So, Christopher ordered Raymond to take out Anthony. Since Christopher considered himself in upper management, he left it up to Raymond to come up with a plan of execution and the implementation of that plan.

So, Raymond came up with an operational scenario. He paid an out of town prostitute to seduce Anthony and entice him to rendezvous at the Milton Motel where Raymond would lie in wait and complete the deal. Raymond informed Christopher of his plan and Christopher agreed. But first, Christopher said that he wanted to confront Anthony personally and let him know that his life could be shortened by his unseemly remarks about Emily.

The next day, Anthony and Christopher met for aperitifs at the Taco Bar and Christopher laid it on the line. He spoke glowingly about Emily and told Anthony that the frog remark could not be forgotten. Revenge had to be exacted.

Anthony was taken aback by Christopher’s comments but did not lose his cool. He told Christopher to do what he had to do. He said that Emily was a frog crosser and that nothing could change that irrefutable fact. And, his people would protect his back.

After the meeting, Christopher called and gave Raymond the go ahead to implement the plan. Initially, everything went swimmingly. After meeting and being seduced by the prostitute, Anthony agreed to meet her later at the Milton Motel, where she told him that she had access to the penthouse suite for that weekend. Meanwhile, Raymond had already rented the suite and was waiting in the coat closet in anticipation of their arrival.

Unfortunately, the plan then blew up in Raymond’s face. It seems that Anthony had decided to bring Emily along with him to the motel. You see, Anthony and Emily had begun to cross the frog over the years. Once or twice a month they got together to do the dirty deed. Since the act had become old hat, they had started to share their propensity with others.

Raymond heard Anthony and two females arrive and commence with their activities. Raymond was somewhat taken aback by the fact that two females were with Anthony, but he couldn’t stop now. At what Raymond thought was the proper moment, he jumped out of the closet to confront Anthony. Raymond was surprised to find that one of the females in the room was none other than Christopher’s Emily. And the worst part was that Emily was crossing the frog with Anthony as he emerged from the closet.

So, Raymond was in a moral dilemma. He now knew that Emily did cross the frog. He also knew that Anthony was telling the truth all along. Additionally, he surmised that Christopher didn’t care if Emily crossed the frog or not. He just cared that Anthony publicly announced that she did. Last, but not least, Raymond was not now going to whack somebody for telling the truth.

So, quick thinking as Raymond was, he told Anthony and Emily that there had been a misunderstanding and that he had rented the suite and set up the out of town girl for extorting money from him. At that point, Raymond shoved the prostitute into the bathroom and told her that the whacking would commence momentarily. Suddenly, Anthony became very talkative and attempted to explain in detail how he had come to visit the motel that day. Anthony was forthcoming with this information because of the thirty eight pointed at his temple.

You see, Anthony and Emily were unaware of Raymond’s identity or Raymond’s friendship with Christopher. Raymond always met and talked with Christopher incognito. So, Raymond just told them to dummy up and to leave immediately, which they did. Raymond renewed his friendship with the out of town girl and then also departed.

Christopher was not too happy with the outcome, but, so what? Raymond and Christopher were still brothers in crime and Emily is still crossing the frog with Anthony. Raymond gets his one and a half points from Christopher whenever he’s productive, so he’s happy.

All’s well that end well.