Investment Genius

When I was growing up, my dad taught me that one must pay off all of their debts as quickly as possible and any money left over should be put into a savings vehicle at a banking institution.

So, I followed his advice to a tee for most of my adult life. I made double house payments to pay off my house loan early. I put all extra money in CDs at several different banking institutions.

I accumulated a large sum of retirement money using this approach and felt good about my investment strategy. As I came to realize, the most difficult thing for most people is to have the discipline to save anything at all. Most people take the approach of spending all that they make no matter how senseless that approach becomes.

Additionally, with today’s generation, the mantra is to spend all that one makes and then borrow as much as one can and spend that as quickly as possible.

After I retired, I enjoyed the fruits of my investment strategy for several years until I had an epiphany brought on by two major surgeries and the subsequent medication I consumed to mollify the effects of those intrusions.

The epiphany came when I heard the door bell ring while I was sitting watching Oprah on the boob tube one lazy, medicated autumn day.

I went to the door to find Dave, a financial representative from the Eddie James investment firm. It seemed somewhat strange that a financial representative would be walking door to door to drum up business for himself and his firm, but, in my near comatose state, it all seemed copasetic to me.

Dave was well dressed and quite glib in his delivery. He also played golf, which endeared him to me immediately. We stood on the porch for several minutes talking about investment strategies. I told him that I had adopted my dad’s philosophy of saving prudently for the proverbial rainy day. He suggested that I invest a few dollars in some riskier investments and see how they did.

I agreed with him and decided to invest a few thousand dollars into a Putnam mutual fund. To my dismay, that fund lost half of its value in two months. Dave told me that those things happen and that I shouldn’t be discouraged. In fact, I should dump those funds immediately, take some more money out of the bank and invest in a Freddie Mac bond which was paying eight percent at the time. The Freddie Mac bond, which was a zero coupon bond, would mature in twenty five years and be worth well over one million dollars. Dave also said that the bond had the backing of the Federal Government so that the only way I could lose my principle was if the U.S. government folded.

The idea seemed enticing, so I cashed in more of my CDs and invested in the Freddie Mac bond. The investment seemed to do well and I was completely satisfied until Dave called me out of the blue telling me that I had to act quickly. Because the stock market was falling at the time, I needed to cash in the Freddie Mac bond immediately and reap a twenty thousand dollar profit.

I did as he advised and cashed in the bond. I should mention that Dave was making a handsome fee for every transaction he made. He was in essence churning my money to magnify his profit margin and to make me a little money on the side, if I were lucky.

We then took the Freddie Mac money and reinvested it into a temporary insurance annuity vehicle which was earning only six percent but the account was liquid enough to be available for the next windfall that Dave said that he would find in the near future.

The investments did fine for several months and I was pleased with the outcome. Then came the kicker. Dave told me that he thought that he had gained my trust and that I should be ready to invest deeply into the stock market right now, because all indicators pointed to a big bounce in the next few months.

Although Dave’s previous thrusts into the financial bog with my money were somewhat hit or miss, I admired his tenacity and positive attitude. So, in a medicated induced state of confusion, I withdrew all of my money from the bank and invested everything into the stock market.

Lo and behold, we invested all of my life savings in the stock market at the precise instant that the Clinton IPO bubble burst. In a few weeks, I lost eighty percent of my savings, because Dave had chosen particularly risky technology stocks to maximize profit.

Needless to say, after that debacle, I divested myself of my financial advisor and began to invest on my own again. I invested all of my remaining funds on a recreational vehicle which I parked in a beautiful lake front in Punta Gorda, Florida two nights before Hurricane Charley came breezing through.

Of course, I had neglected to secure the necessary storm insurance for the RV before the hurricane hit, so my dwelling was a total loss.

I spend my time now at the Milton Hotel on Ridgewood Avenue in Daytona Beach. It’s a nice place. I have an excellent view of the trash bins behind the Ruby Tuesdays across the street. In fact, I partake of the dumpster fares most nights.

Daytona is a forgiving town. Nobody asks from where you came or to where you’re going. They don’t know or care about Dave, the financial man, who was found shot dead behind the Wendy’s in Moorestown, NJ a few months ago. In fact, The Fox show, America’s Most Wanted, is blacked out in the Daytona commercial district because too many televisions were being destroyed during its broadcast at the local bars.