A day in the life of a Georgia golfer:


Milbrey decided to go over to the park today to work at her volunteer job, so I, in my infinite wisdom, decide to go play golf.

It's about 9:30 in the morning, but it's already ninety degrees with the humidity in the nineties also. The heat index has got to be 105 or more.

So, I figure nobody will be at the course, so I can get some good holes in.

I drive up to Augustus Shores, which is about fifteen minutes from my house. It's a course akin to nothing I've played around my home town. It's a little like Four Winds but half as long. I tell ya, Four Winds looks like Royal Birkdale compared to this course.

I drive into the parking lot, which seems to be full, so I take one of the two handicap spots.

I know that the men members have a tournament every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, but they should be well out on the course by now.

I pay my $15.34 for nine holes to the clerk who now calls me Mr. B since I've been up there often in the last month or two. I get my clubs, water and soy bars and head to the first tee to find the starter. As I approach the first tee, I see about eight carts parked around the teeing area. The starter jumps into my cart and tries to buddy me up while asking for my name and charge slip.

He asks me if I want to join the ladies sitting in a cart to my right. The ladies look like the mothers of the Golden Girls. I look around and see two foursomes waiting to tee off before the old ladies. I say no, I'm going out as a single. He says that you'll have to wait your turn after the ladies.

By now I'm sweating bullets, not from the situation, but from the heat. The sun is baking down on my neck like hot coffee from Mickey D's. So, I ask the starter if I could just skip a couple of holes and squeeze in between foursomes on the course. Of course, the answer is no, a new policy went into effect yesterday that precludes the intermingling of duffers with foge foursomes.

So, I tell him that I'd see him later on a cooler day, when I can afford to wait without collapsing from the heat. He responds by telling me that I should get a tee time the next time, and I thank him for his excellent lecture on golf etiquette.

I take my clubs back to the truck, return the cart and then go inside the clubhouse to return the cart key and try to get some of my money back.

As I walk back into the club house, I'm ready for a verbal altercation with anybody who will listen to me, but the clerk is already getting my refund out of the cash register, so I'm off to the next golf course.

I stop by Mathis Woods which is a mile from my house but very expensive. I figure the price will keep out the common folk. As I pull into the parking lot, I realize that I had blundered again. The parking lot is full, and I see three carts heading to the first tee.

I figure, what the hey, I'll hit a bucket of balls and relieve some frustration. I buy a bucket for $4.28 and head to the driving range. I take my driver and 18 degree driving iron.

I go to the end of the range and start hitting balls. It's so hot now that the sweat is dropping on my sunglasses as I lean over to hit the balls. Both lens become completely covered with the salt and sweat from my brow. I can't take the glasses off because the sun would annihilate my corneas if I tried to hit without UV protection.

So I quit after hitting about ten balls and head to Bob's Subs and get a medium ham and cheese with double mustard and then go home to catch Tiger three putt from two feet.

Ah, golf. I love it. I wonder which course I'll try tomorrow.