Excerpt from an article which wasn't published by the onion.

Obama administration introduces new stimulus plan.

President Obama announced a new stimulus plan today which he sincerely believes will help jump start the sluggish economy.

He has decided that all currently unemployed residents of the United States need additional incentives to entice them to get back on their feet and rejoin the work force. One of the President's top aides said, "We have too many people who have given up on finding a job. They are receiving unemployment compensation, food stamps, free health care and free Safe-Link cell phone service. But, really... that's just not enough. For example, when they drive down to the grocery store, some of them are embarrassed because their primary vehicles are somewhat old or dilapidated. There's nothing worse than having to drive into the Publix's parking lot behind the wheel of a 2009 Dodge Viper. These people shouldn't have to be embarrassed like that.

So, we are proposing to present each one of them with a 2011 Mercedes-Benz S400 Hybrid Sedan. It's a good little family car and its hybrid system will help us begin the process of unburdening ourselves from the oil cartels of the world.

It's a win-win-win situation. Our unemployed workers can now drive around town with their heads held high. Their self esteem will be magnified by an order of magnitude. This change in outlook should entice them to at least attempt to re-enter the workforce and become productive citizens once again.

And, we are helping the world ecology by reducing carbon emissions.

Not to mention the fact that we will also stimulate the German economy and thus intensify our commitment to and endorsement of the creation of a world economy based on infinite and complete globalization of all products and services produced by all of the nations of the world.

We'll start delivering the automobiles tomorrow. And, remember, if you are currently lawfully employed, you can give two weeks notice, become eligible for this stimulus package and then return to your former job the day after you receive the automobile."